For this post, I’m going to explore some of my worst movies. I may sound like a grumpy old man writing about this subject, but hey, we all have least favourite films, don’t we? But many of us have reasons why we consider those films our worst and this is just exactly what I’m going to do.
Before I do so, I’m only listing movies that I have seen since I feel that this would make more sense. I can’t judge a film that I haven’t watched, because I won’t know what I’m talking about. So you may not find Batman Vs. Superman on this list.
So here is my Bottom 11 Movies Of All Time. Why top 11? You get the picture.
The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh (1977)
Those who read some of my previous posts will know that The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh is one of my least favourite Disney movies of all-time. I wrote a lot of detail about it previously, so I shall try to keep this short.
I supposed I liked Winnie The Pooh better as a kid and I didn’t mind the TV series. The first time I saw Many Adventures Of was when I was seven. My child-minder treated us to a viewing of the film via VHS. However, I soon forgot about the film. Years later, I remembered watching the movie and bad memories came flooding back. I recalled the bad plot structure and especially the soundtrack. I’m sorry, but I do not like any of those songs. They may have been written Richard & Robert Sherman, one of my favourite song-writing teams who wrote the stuff for Mary Poppins and other awesome family features. But then every great musician has a worst piece of writing material, like the Beatles’ Hey Jude…
Sorry to bring this up, but I keep no secrets.
Peter Pan (2003)
I’m referring to a live-action version which came out 15 years ago and starred Jason Isaacs as Captain Hook.
Both Disney’s version and Hook were both superior and memorable adaptations to the novel (though Hook was technically a sequel to the source). This one on the other hand is just a cardboard cut-out, which lacks enough creativity within the characters or the story-line. The dialogue is bland, hence the “I do believe in fairies, I do, I do” scene. It’s too melodramatic for me. Captain Hook remains an awesome villain, but Jason Isaacs’ portrayal is not awesome enough, nor even that memorable and neither is the film as a whole.
Once you’ve been lucky enough to watch the film all the way through, the chances are that you’ll forget that you’ve even seen it.
Mona Lisa Smile (2003)
One film studies lesson based on the role of women, Mona Lisa Smile was screened. At the time, we were preparing for our final A-Level exams. It was either that topic or the subject of ‘shocking cinema’ we had to study. I had to chose the latter. Even if I chose to focus on women’s roles, I probably wouldn’t have written about Mona Lisa Smile anyway. I’ve seen Thelma & Louise and Alien and League Of Their Own and, er…, Mulan, and all of them films was much more interesting examples than this.
Mona Lisa Smile is an obvious female version of Dead Poets Society. I’d be a real sexist if I said that that was the reason. Nothing to do with that. I’ve never really been that into Julia Roberts’ movies, Hook and The Mexican aside.
James & The Giant Peach (1996)
Firstly, I give James & The Giant Peach credit for the fact that a relative of one of my friends is in this film, though only for a couple of minutes. As a matter of fact, she plays Mrs. Trotter in the opening sequence before she and her husband die.
But after that, all I get from this movie is a dumb story-line, bad dialogue – It’s a while since I last read the Roald Dahl novel, but surely he didn’t get Aunts Spiker and Sponge to bellow “Work, work, work, work, work!”. Oh and did I mention the soundtrack? The songs sound like they’ve been written by an amateur. Technically they were written by Randy Newman, who’s written better music, i.e. Toy Story. But these songs, i.e. That’s The Life are much worse than on The Many Adventures Of Winnie The Pooh.
As I progress through the film, I question Why the hell James’ parents are killed and eaten by a rhinoceros, and what it’s doing in the sky, plus the deal with a giant peach.
I talked quite a lot about this film when I spoke about Disney’s live-action movies, so I’ll just shut up and move on to the next entry.
Bridget Jones’ Diary (2001)
The first time I became aware of Bridget Jones’ Diary was when me, my brother and my dad went shopping for Mother’s Day. Then one of us bought this film on VHS as a gift.
Years later, I watched it and I didn’t find it that good at all. The fact that it was about a lady who works in book publishing and is obsessed with her weight simply did not interest me. I get that a lot of women, especially the younger ones, complain so much about their “fatness”, but if that ain’t bad enough, I have to sit through a pointless and cliched love-triangle between Bridget (Renee Zelleweger), Daniel (Hugh Grant) and Mark (Colin Firth).
I have to be honest, the romantic comedy is one of my least favourite genres. The fact is that we know the protagonist is going to fall in love and that one and one’s partner will start a relationship and then, there follows an affair, leading to a break-up, then they realise they was idiots and get back together, the end. I see a large lack of creativity within many rom-coms and Bridget Jones is most certainly one of them.
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Another romantic comedy on this list, only much duller.
When Harry Met Sally sums up how pointless and overrated the genre is and how much it affects the story-line. The writers try and fail to make the synopsis unique enough. Why is Sally always acting like a bitch towards Harry? What do they want from each other?
Bridget Jones’ Diary at least had something more memorable compared to this which is why I place this one higher on the list. As for the cast, I have nothing against the cast, though I think Billy Crystal makes bad choices in regards to what he films.
There’s one more of his coming up. But if you want a film that you can memorise after some viewings, I recommend that When Harry Met Sally be skipped.
William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Modernising a Shakespearean play does sound interesting. But once you watch Baz Luhrmann’s version of Romeo & Juliet, trust me. You’ll receive disappointment.
As soon as I see the opening, I know that Romeo + Juliet is going to be an awful movie. It’s packed with terrible choreography, awful and immature acting, too much laughing in-between duels at nothing and let’s be honest, Benvolio’s line ‘put up your swords’ – uuuugh! it’s a gun for crying out loud, there’s a huge difference!. It’s obvious that Baz Luhrman cut and pasted the dialogue from the entire play-script and he seemed unaware that Shakespearean language and modern culture do not mix in well with each other.
The soundtrack is irritating and the camera angles make it look like the film is trying to shove all of it in our faces. It’s like “ooh look, modern buildings. Ooh look, helicopters.” We get it! Romeo & Juliet was originally set much earlier, but this is a modern version. If you want a proper modern version, check out West Side Story. Sure, the characters are different, but at least Robert Wise knew that people wouldn’t use terms such as ‘thou’ or ‘thy’ or ‘Romeo is banished’ these days. Shakespeare was simply a professional. Luhrman clearly is not.
Kids, if you want to know the story, read the play-script or watch a proper film version instead.
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind (2004)
I have nothing against Jim Carrey swapping his madcap comedic performances for a more sensible role, but the worst in this movie does not have anything to do with his performance.
The sooner I saw Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, the sooner I was starting to get bored with it. There’s no real plot, no real pieces of narrative, bad scripting and I question why the hell things keep disappearing. Even the humour included does not work. To me, Michel Gondry seemed to had lost his way throughout the entire film.
Many people keep telling me how awesome Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind is, but I disagree. I think it’s an overrated pile of puke with an uninteresting love story. I liked Jim Carrey’s other works, I’m not a huge Kate Winslet fan. But after my viewing, I regarded this one as my absolute worst, until I saw a few more movies…
Parental Guidance (2012)
Parental Guidance started of good; Billy Crystal stars as Artie Decker who loses his job as a radio presenter, due to new developing technology. Later, he and his wife, Diane, played by Bette Midler, are called to look after their three grand kids while the parents are away.
A few minutes after we get to their extended family however, this is where it all goes downhill. Not that I have anything against them visiting their family, but the family antics are too uncomfortable, uninspired and unpleasant to watch, even the comedy doesn’t raise the spirits. Barker, the youngest of the grandchildren, has an imaginary friend, a cliche with nothing new added to it and which goes totally nowhere. It’s like “Carl told me to do this,” “Carl told me to do that”, nothing interesting. And neither is Turner constantly facing a gang of bullies.
There are scenes from Parental Guidance which I’ve hated ever since I first saw them. Firstly, the bathroom scene, which could’ve easily been edited out, because it was never needed; in this scene, Barker is sitting on the lavatory, guided by Artie and clearly excreting as we hear a splash in the bog. This bit could easily put young kids in an awkward and embarrassing situation. Do you really think they want to be reminded on how to use the lavatory? Later in the film, Barker’s urinating on a skate park. That ain’t funny. That’s just bloody well gross
I can’t believe they even targeted this film towards children. I certainly won’t be showing this one to mine. I’d take Problem Child any day over Parental Guidance. At least the humour was more decent.
Fifty Shades Of Grey (2015)
I still have yet to read the original book and I wonder how it compares to the film version of Fifty Shades Of Grey.
When I first heard about Fifty Shades Of Grey, I read some news article where a kid was sent home from school, because he was dressed as one of the characters from the book as part of a Book Day event. From what I heard, Fifty Shades Of Grey included bits of sexual assault in it. Next I heard there was a film based on it.
So I thought I’d check out the novel and/or film. It’s not that I glorify sexual assault. I certainly wouldn’t approve of it in real life. But throughout my life, I’ve matured and I’m used to seeing loathsome imagery in film. I even saw A Clockwork Orange and it had an extremely interesting storyline.
I didn’t expect Fifty Shades Of Grey to exactly be A Clockwork Orange. Though I did expect something interesting. However, once I saw the film, I got disappointed. It was boring and uninspired. What I got was a film about some student starting a relationship with a professor whose hobby is having sex with ladies. I expected the student to stand up to him or contact the cops, but no. She keeps seeing him. Even the dialogue does not hold up.
I can’t believe how badly written this film was and I can’t believe there were two follow-ups to this. Who’d want to see this nonsense?
Before I reveal the number one pick, here are some honourable, or in this case, dishonourable mentions;
The Adventures Of Pinocchio (1996)
The Golden Compass (2007)
Treasure Island (1973)
And my personal number one worst movie of all time is;
Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie (2017)
Boy am I so looking forward to badmouthing this one. Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie is the most badly animated, stupidly written, in-your-face, pathetic excuse to treat kids to toilet humour in the history of cinema.
Obviously, Captain Underpants is based on a series of books in relation to the same character. I have to admit, even though the first novel was broadcast when I was seven, I did not grow up with Captain Underpants. Some of my mate read at least one of the books, but I myself never got round to it, nor did I see the movie first time it came out. This was because I read some of the reviews and the fact that it was going to include unnecessary fart jokes put me right off.
Another reason why I avoided the movie is because Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie is a superhero movie. I don’t hate superhero movies, but I’m sure getting bored of the amount of those relating to the genre coming out constantly this period. I feel that most of them are just visual replicas of the reading material sources, lacking much creativity added to them.
Well, earlier this year, I checked it out and the movie did not disappoint me. Oh my God, I hate CUTFEM! I hated every moment of the film.
The entire cast are either irritating, boring and/or just plain obnoxious. There’s no proper story-line. It’s just toilet related gags thrown in and in-your-face antics. And don’t even get me started on that scene where the kids perform 1812 Overture, or in the film’s case, Ofarture, the most immature and meaningless scene in cinema history ending with a little girl making a squeaky fart. All CUTFEM does is teach kids to be crude and treat them like kids. The only role in this film is Melvin, the class nerd, but even he can’t save this crap.
And there’s another thing; it’s a Dreamworks animated feature.Honest to god, Dreamworks. They’ve made such epically animated movies such as Antz and the Bee Movie, good ones, but this? You call this ‘Epic Movie’? The title is so misleading. CUTFEM looks like it was done by an amateur or by the same idiots who created the Despicable Me films.
And speaking of the title, another reason why it’s stupid is because the way it’s called ‘First’, it sounds like Dreamworks know that a sequel is coming, which I hope is not, and I’m sure the Nostalgia Critic would agree to this. After all, he pointed it out when he reviewed Pokemon The First Movie.
I never read Captain Underpants and I doubt I ever will, even when I have children. I read awesome books back in my day.
I suppose I could purchase one of them. Maybe it’ll come in useful. I could wipe my arse with it! Captain Underpants can go straight to the bogs of hell!
So those were my eleven least favourite films of all time. If you disagree with them, that’s fair enough. It’s just my silly personal opinion.
Thanks for reading.