A Roller-Coaster through The Alton-Rations

What’s happening to British theme parks nowadays? I ain’t saying they suck, because they don’t. Theme parks in general are always great fun. But there’s some pretty lame sections added to them. For example, I know now it has occurred last year, but I had recently heard that Alton Towers has introduced CBeebies Land. What? A section whose theme is based on a god-awful British TV channel which broadcasts god-awful TV programmes? Programmes with unoriginal and forgettable episodes?

Guys, think of the wide audiences. If you want to introduce something to all ages, why not include a Disney-themed part or something? Oh wait, there’s already numerous Disney Lands across the globe. I so would like to check at least one of them out. Or what about a section with a theme that links to Steven Spielberg’s movies? Oh wait, there’s already a Universal Studios-related theme park in America. But there’s plenty of other things to think about.

It was bad enough when the long defunct American Adventure had its most exciting rides, i.e. The Missile and the Twin Loop-De-Loop, closed down to make way for more kiddie rides. No wonder the theme park closed down eventually. Lack of audience figures can lead to a lowering business, equalling eventual extinction. Or what the time when one of the surprisingly oldest British parks, Drayton Manor, introduced Thomas Land. Yes folks, the section of the park whose theme is based on one of the lousiest and most overrated kids’ shows in TV history, need I say what it’s called? The one about the trains with large gobs, and that’s pretty much it, it’s about trains that can talk. As the Nostalgia Critic might say, (yawns) Adventure ho. Though technically, it was based on a series of novels, then got made into a show. I personally wouldn’t care, but it was. Okay, maybe the idea for Thomas Land was to get more younger children invested, but if you think about it, most of the general rides in Drayton Manor are amateur and rather lousy, exceptions including the Apocalypse, Shockwave and Flumes. But there are very few of those rides that still stand.

Now a couple of years ago, Alton Towers just had to introduce CBeebies-Land! This is the sort of thing which does not appeal to me whatsoever. I didn’t grow up with CBeebies. I was in my pre-teens when the channel was launched and I was way too old for the nonsense they broadcast. I am familiar with some of the shows they broadcast or used to broadcast i.e. Teletubbies, which I’ve long expressed my strong dislike within. Some of the shows were broadcast sometime before the channel’s launch. And yet, I’d be disturbed if certain rides were closed to make way for CBeebies-Land. I personally believe it was wrong to shut down the Corkscrew and the Submission, because they were epic! Plus the Corkscrew was apparently one of the very first rides in Alton Towers. If the manufacturers wanted to create some baby-themed section, why couldn’t they get rid of the Hex?

If there’s a section of a theme park with a theme based on Gerry Anderson’s shows, I would be up for it. Not only am I a long time fan of his works, but his productions are known to appeal to all ages. I’d say the same for a Hanna/Barbera themed-section or one based on Aardman or Nickelodeon. These producers/production companies are more likely to extend their audiences compared to CBeebies.

That’s my opinion anyway.


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